Musings on angels

Whilst I certainly have a dream or two, I differ from ABBA in that I do not believe in angels.

Some of you will know that I have been in a pretty dark place over the last week. No details here, but a very unpleasant work situation which has caused a lot of people a lot of pain. I am very pleased that this is now very much in the past, and it seems that life will be going on pretty much as before. Albeit it with a few more grey hairs.

The cliché is that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. The reason clichés are clichés is because they are broadly true, and I think I emerge from this wiser if nothing else.

So this is a very brief blog post to say thank you to some people. I don’t think anyone at work reads my blog (god - I hope they don't), but they have all been so supportive of me at this time – it makes me realise what a great team of people they are.

More specifically to the friends who have either reached out in response to some cryptic but bleak Fb or Twitter messages to check I was OK. And the ones who have contacted me to offer help and a (in some cases literal) shoulder to cry on. I am privileged to have you as friends, and you know I would be there for you in the same way.

The point of the first line of this blog? Well, it’s the ‘no atheists in fox-holes’ argument I guess. If every I either a) needed or b) felt that there was a guardian angel looking out for me, now would be that time. I didn't look for that angel, and nor do I think he* was guiding me. But in the same way as atheists believe that they live on not through an eternal afterlife, but through the memories they leave behind, this has shown me that it is friends and colleagues who give you the guidance space and support that helps you through these things.

To all of you – a very heartfelt and tearful ‘thank you’.

* Are angels ‘he’? Seem to remember that they are.

Like a Motorway

I've been back at work for four days, and it’s been OK. Not going to bitch about it here anyway!

But this felt like the first “normal” week for literally months. So much has been going on (see blogs passim ad nauseam) and then when you have holiday coming up that tends to effect what you do. At present I have no more hols booked, so in theory have got the best part of four months until Christmas. Hard to put stuff off until then.

Amusing (and expensive, but also very pleasing) news this week. On Thursday I had the first sort of important meeting I've had in ages – for about six weeks. So, went to put a suit on. Not a tie – I mean, nobody died, but a suit. And none of them fit. And none of my belts fit either. I went and got measured on Friday. My 44L jacket size now needs to be a 40L. Trousers down from 36 to 32, and shirts from 16.5 to 15.5. The last time I wore a 15.5 collar shirt was when I first went to college in 1987. It was tight then...

I will admit (but don’t tell the others, they will tease me) that when the lady in M&S did these measurements, it made me feel really good. But then, when she said “and given your shape you should go for the slim fit shirts rather than the regular” she did actually bring me to tears.

So I have bought a suit, and a few other things, and will need to build up a new wardrobe as and when money permits. If anyone wants clothes in the sizes above – let me know!

Work has got in the way of me exercising this week, and I've really missed it. At least Thursday and Friday I could go to the gym after work, but I was out the other nights. At this rate I’m going to have to go first thing in the morning. There are worse things to be addicted to. Like any good addict, I managed two hits today - a decnet walk and a trip to the gym.

(Whilst typing this I am listening to Saint Etienne, and the majestic ‘Hobart Paving’ has just come on. If you don’t know it, YouTube it – a brilliant song, even if Sarah C is sometimes on the flat side.)

I went to see Avenue Q on Tuesday at Wimbledon. I’d seen it before, in the West End, but this production is just as strong. The woman playing Kate and Lucy is super-talented – actually, all of them are, but I thought her vocals were excellent. And any musical with a song called ‘Schadenfreude’ is worth checking out.

Dinner with some good friends on Wednesday and Friday made for a good week all in all. I do feel so balanced right now (I’m not sure that’s the right word – I am looking for something that says I feel on a really even keel and completely able to deal with anything the world throws at me, whether it be work crap or anything else). Doing lots, enjoying things, and feel that my confidence is higher than it has been for a while. In part this is weight/appearance-related but it’s also deeper than that. Maybe not – I might be a gibbering wreck by next weekend.

What else to say? Voxcetera start rehearsals again on Tuesday – with only a month before our concert on 4^th October. It’s a free one in North London at noon on a Saturday. Find us on the web or Facebook and come along if you like. There will be Gershwin, but no Kate Bush.

Family and Friends

Well, I said at the beginning of this I was going to avoid politics. I failed last time - miserably. And you lot reward me with the biggest readership figures I've had all year, and lots of positive messages. Thank you for this. Your feedback is important to us. And having caught a little wave of popularity, I'm going to ignore it and write about something completely different. But I will get back on the political hobby horse, you'll just have to wait.

Half Term begins - and an extended weekend break - I am off Monday, and will be spending time learning stuff for the next Voxcetera gig, catching up on admin and some reading (and writing) and attempting to play "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear" on the piano. I suspect the last of these will prove the least successful, and the least entertaining for the neighbours (though the Britten I'm learning could run it close on that one).

I managed to catch up with a couple of friends today - one over lunch and one for a quick coffee later on. I don't do this kind of thing often enough - just catching up without it being at a rehearsal or seeing a band or watching a movie. I never really thought why this was*, until it came up over lunch.

My parents grew up in the small town of Coatbridge, close to Glasgow. They met at church I think when very young - but my father did the music for shows and my mother did the choreography (not much doubt which side I inherited). Everyone stayed local, met future spouses locally, and that was it. Everyone was always in and out of each other's houses - not just family, but neighbours too. And my parents were the first of the family to  move away - first to Edinburgh, and then to England. Now, or course, I moved too, as did many of my friends - growing up in Lytham St Annes there wasn't a lot of career choice if you stayed. But they did it in a much less connected world, and were the first. That takes courage. But it also meant of course that we didn't have that family support system.

In the first few years, I know my two grandfathers (both widowed) would come down regularly, but I suspect this was to have someone to look after them rather than to support my parents. By the time I was eight, they were dead too (life expectancy in Glasgow was as bad then as it is now). And there must have been a different friends dynamic too. If all your mates from school and college disappear to the ends of the earth, then you accept the need to travel to stay in touch. My parents' friends stayed put. Many in Scotland - one couple in Lancashire - with a young family. They were never going to stay close.

So we were on our own  The classic nuclear family. And the just dropping in and small talking didn't happen. I had a great upbringing - I wanted for nothing within reason and didn't miss other family because I never had any, but perhaps it does explain my tendency for self-reliance.


* to be honest, I assumed it was because that was just how I am - small talk is awkward, people, indeed, are awkward so why on earth put yourself through that when you can be reading a book or listening to some music.

The year just gone

Given that the idea of blogging for the year is in itself clichéd, I am going to maintain the cliché level by reviewing last year.

This is purely from my perspective of course. I recognise it wasn’t a very good year for people in countless areas of the world, or for people forced out of their homes by the bedroom tax. And, moving a little closer to home, I am now of an age where a number of friends’ parents are dying.

Compared to any of these people’s situation the word to sum up my year is probably “trivial”. But it’s my year, and so that’s what I am writing about.

Overall I had a pretty good year in 2013. Not everything in my life is great, by any means, but generally I look back on the year with some satisfaction, and I think I am in a much better place now than I was a year ago.

Music

Music is important to me, increasingly so each year, and I’ll write about why in a future blog.

Totting it up, and I might well have missed something, I sang in twelve concerts in 2013. I think this amounts to about 40,000 people. Admittedly, playing the Albert Hall seven times (three different shows) amounts to 95% of this, but it’s still an impressive number.  I also, for the first time, did some proper big band gigs – alone in front of an audience with only seventeen fabulously talented instrumentalists. When they kick into gear six feet behind you, the sound is incredible.

By no means the biggest gig of the year, but the one I am proudest of, was with the Voxcetera Chamber Choir. Looking for further challenge I joined this fabulous group of singers in September and our Christmas concert was an incredibly special event for me.

Life and Health

After years of trying, I think I’ve finally got into the habit of going to the gym. Not sure I am doing exactly the right stuff when I am there, but it’s a step in the right direction. There’s a new and cheap gym opening opposite work in a month’s time, so I am hoping this will allow me to continue to get healthier.

Alcohol (the cause of - and solution to - all life’s problems – Homer J Simpson) and I have a bit of a chequered history, worthy of its own blog, but from a long-term perspective, my decisions here have definitely been the most beneficial.

On other life matters – I will only quote Tracey Thorn (and yes – I know Danny Whitten wrote it). Ho hum.

Holidays

I took my kids away for a big holiday for the first (and, given their ages, increasing self-reliance, and my bank balance, probably last) time. Orlando probably isn’t my dream destination, but they loved it, and I enjoyed two weeks with them, with no greater pressures than deciding what and where to eat that night. Plus I got to see the Space Shuttle!!!!!

As the boys reach adulthood, I don’t think I love them any differently, but we relate to each other now as adults, and that’s a big plus for me.

The other benefit of the holiday was that I got to read lots of…..

Books

I used to read a huge amount. In terms of amount but also breadth of stuff. And over the years it really tailed off. Lack of time, tiredness – lots of things played a part. Two weeks of fairly solid reading reminded me of what I have missed, and I have been busy catching up ever since. There is so much cheap stuff available on the Kindle store.

Work

A really busy year. I’ve vowed this isn’t a blog about work stuff, but that doesn’t stop me from saying that it has been really tough at times – great fun on lots of occasions, and frustrating on others. I do find myself thinking – worrying really, that I’m not sure I can, or want to, go at this pace for too much longer. Partly because I am an overweight middle-aged male, so am entering prime heart attack territory, but mostly because there is so much more I want to do with my life, and I need the time and energy to do it.

So I don’t foresee any changes right now, but am going to start thinking about what else I could do to pay the bills and make me a little less time-poor.

Friends

I don’t have lots and lots of friends. I don’t want lots and lots of friends either. But I do have some very good friends, and (cliche-ometer to max) they really are what life is about. You know who you are - thank you.